The Move - One year later

Today is the one year anniversary of the day we moved into our house. On Friday, we are moving back out. This time the move will be temporary, and hopefully within 6 months time we will return to a much-improved home. We have been planning this major home remodel for almost a year now. Even when we first toured the house as prospective buyers, we saw the potential for remodeling. This is not to say the house is not wonderful the way that it is. In fact the most common response when we tell others we are remodeling is, "Why?" The next most common is, "Oooh, you must enjoy pain."

Our house is a pre-1900 Victorian. At its inception, it was nothing more than 4 rooms. Over the years, many additions have been made, starting with the area that is now the kitchen, followed by the area that is now the family room, and most recently, the lower level of the home which includes 2 bedrooms, a playroom, a bathroom, and a garage. Although the house is now quite spacious, it is clear that different people created each addition in different points in time without much thought given to the connection to the other parts of the home. For example, the stairs to the lower level were added to the very back of the house, such that to get from a room in the front of the house to the room directly beneath it, one has to walk quite a ways (in fact, it would be faster to just go outside and enter through the garage door).

There are also several aspects to the floorplan that feel disjointed and inefficient. For example, the original living room is at the front of the house, as soon as you enter the front door. However, the more-recently-added family room is all the way at the back of the house, separated by the dining room and kitchen. The previous owners used the front room as a "formal living room" or sitting room. However, this room serves no purpose for us and has remained an unfurnished "staging area" the entire time we've lived here, giving all guests the appearance that we've just moved in.





Another example of wasted space is the master bedroom, which is just off of the living room and dining room. We do not use the master bedroom as our bedroom for several reasons: 1) I don't like the location of it being literally in the middle of the living space. 2) We prefer for our bedroom to be on the same level as Ruby's bedroom. 3) It has the only bathroom on the upstairs level, meaning that all guests would have to go through our bedroom to use the bathroom. 4) This is the closet:



No, it does not go in deeper on either side (it is flanked by the bathroom and a window). For these reasons, we use the master bedroom as a guest room and as the room that share care buddy Ian naps in.



One of the best aspects of our house is the backyard, which is right off of Ruby's playroom.



On the rare occasions that the fog lifts, we have enjoyed some nice barbeques on the patio. However, there is no direct way to access the backyard from the kitchen. And we clearly did not consider when we installed the white carpet that access to the backyard would need to be gained from the playroom. In fact, every 2 weeks when our gardeners come, they have to carry all of their lawnmowers, weedwackers, treesaws, trash can full of leaves, etc. through the playroom over the white carpet.

It was all of these issues that led us to the decision to remodel. Shortly after we moved in, I contacted an architect who had designed the home of Ruby's little boyfriend Julien. I was so impressed by the design of their home that I knew I had to work with their architect, John Lum. In addition to having exceptional taste, he is also a super nice guy. In one of our first meetings, he was out in our backyard in his socks, helping Steve put together Ruby's play structure. He took our needs and his own vision and created a design for our home that I could have never conceived of in a million years.

Here are the highlights:
-The current living room will become a playroom/guestroom. It will have sliding doors that meet at the corner, so when opened it will appear that the room is a part of the rest of the living space, and I will be able to see Ruby playing from the kitchen. When closed, it can function as a guestroom for visitors. There will be access to a closet and bathroom from both within the room and from the outer living space.
-The entire rest of the upper level will be opened up to make a cohesive living space. The kitchen will lead to a dining area and living area.
-A deck will be added to the upstairs, and stairs from the deck will lead directly to the backyard. This will greatly facilitate indoor/outdoor entertaining.
-The staircase will be moved from the back of the house to the center, opposite the dining area.
-Ruby's current downstairs playroom will be turned into a master suite. A bathroom and closet will be added to the area currently occupied by the staircase.
-Skylights will be added to the kitchen and stairwell to bring more light into the center of the house which is now quite dark.

These changes will address all of the issues we've had with this house. After the remodel we will have a fully-utilized living space upstairs, direct access to the backyard from the upper level, and 3 bedrooms on one level downstairs. We will also be able to customize all the fixtures and finishes to our taste.

While the end result promises to be amazing, the process is a bit more than we bargained for. In our minds we had envisioned going on a long vacation and returning to a brand new house, Extreme-Makeover-Home-Edition style. We had also thought that we could possibly live in one section of the house while the construction occurred in another section. We quickly realized after talking with our architect that these scenarios would not be feasible. For the scale of the remodel that we are looking at, the timeline is on the order of 6 months, and we were told that living in a construction site is akin to living in a war zone.

Coming to terms with the reality that we would have to move out of the house was probably the most difficult part of the process so far. Keep in mind that at the time we had this conversation with our architect, we had just moved into the house not a month before. Even though we now have only 3 days left before the move, I am still somewhat in a state of denial. I worry about how it will affect Ruby. Will she be homesick? Will she ask to go home? I worry about myself being homesick. This house in the past year has become very much a part of our identity as a family. We love the neighborhood, the many memories. I also worry that I will see the house after the demo and think, "What have I done?????"

At the same time, we are excited to explore our new neighborhood. We will be moving to the Diamond Heights Avalon Apartments. While the Diamond Heights neighborhood is probably one of the lowest trafficked areas of the city, it is fairly centrally located atop a hill between the Sunset and Noe Valley. The nearby neighborhoods of Glen Park, Bernal Heights, and Eureka Valley offer many great playgrounds and rec centers.

The apartment has only 2 bedrooms and is less than 1000 square feet, so fitting our 4-bedroom, 2000+ square feet house inside of it is a bit like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. The only room that will be unaffected by the remodel will be our office, so it will serve as a storage unit. We are hoping to fit one full bedroom set, one full dining room set, and all of our extraneous junk into there.

I plan to chronicle the progress of the remodel on this blog. I am hoping against hope that the process will not be as painful as others have warned. The adventure begins on Friday. Wish us luck!

Wagon ride

Ruby and little buddy Ian had a rousing conversation in a wagon last weekend on the way home from the park. Here it is, subtitled for your convenience.

Five years later

On Saturday Steve and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. I often wonder, are we so old that we've been married FIVE years and have a 2-year-old child? Then I remember that we got married when I was 22 and Steve 25. When I think of a 22 year old these days it seems SO young, but there I was, getting married.

For those of you who weren't there, we got married on the 40th floor balcony of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in downtown San Francisco. It was one of the warmest summer days I have ever seen in the 6 years I have lived in San Francisco. And it was one of the most beautiful, fun, and perfect days of my life.

On Saturday for the first time in 5 years, we returned to the Mandarin Oriental and snuck back up to the 40th floor.



The doors to the balcony are always locked except during special events, so we didn't expect we would be able to go outside.



Just as we were about to leave, a uniformed building engineer named Steve appeared like magic and unlocked the doors for us.









It was around 5:30pm, 5 years to the hour that we were married. Everything was just as I remembered it, except for our Plus One.

Happy and free

Many of you have asked how Ruby and I pass our days now that I am a stay-at-home mom. Here is what we did last week:

Monday - Ruby started ballet lessons at Tutu School!

Ever since I found out we would be having a little girl, I envisioned her dressed in a little tutu, dancing in ballet class. Ruby has always had such a love of dancing that I figured this would be something she would enjoy. The class is basically mind-boggling amounts of adorable (2-year-old girls dressed in tutus, running around and flapping their arms).



Ruby does quite well with following along with the teacher, executing little plies and sautes. However, whenever she is singled out to do something on her own, she becomes frozen by performance anxiety, sometimes requiring me to carry her around the room, flapping my own arms in her stead. The parent participation part of the class has also made me realize how inflexible I've become in my advancing years. Hopefully we will both see improvement by the end of the summer session.

Ruby's ballet class is located close to the home of her little friend Eva, so after the class, we met up with Eva and her mom at their neighborhood playground. We even ran into another of Ruby's playgroup friends from way back in the day. After playing a bit, we returned to Eva's house for lunch. Whenever Ruby and Eva dine together, there is very limited eating due to the anticipation of more playing. Ruby ate one bite out of each of the things I brought for her all the while keeping one eye on Eva's talking dolly. The two girls had lots of fun playing together as always.

Tuesday - In the morning we met up with Ruby's friends Julien, Zealand, and Maricela at the Randall Museum. The Randall is a very cute and free children's museum with a petting zoo, train room, playroom, and various nature exhibits. It's all indoors which was nice due to the frigid San Francisco summer weather conditions. Ruby had a great time romping around with her friends, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time catching up with my mom (and dad) friends.

In the afternoon, the weather had not improved, so I took Ruby to our neighborhood library. We usually go to the library for their toddler story hour, but this time we just hung out in the reading corner. Ruby was in book heaven!

Wednesday - Weather was still bad, so I took Ruby to her art class at the local Rec Center. Each week a different project is set out for the kids to make. Last week was marine-themed (a squid out of a cup and crepe paper, a crab out of two paper plates and pipe cleaners, and an ocean scene with cut-out fishies and seaweed). Ruby's favorite part of art class is peering through the window at the old ladies taking tap dance lessons in the next room. Also she likes the songs they play on a CD player in the back of the room and the part where she gets to wash her hands. I don't think Ruby really gets "art" yet. She likes to play with the various components that they set out on the table, and she loves to use scissors, but she's not yet interested in actually creating something. Most of the time, she just collects up all the glue-stick caps and cuts string into little pieces while I do the project by myself.

Wednesday afternoon I took Ruby to a demo class for Golden Gate Music Together. There are so many different music programs in the city that you can keep quite busy just going to the trial classes. Ruby loves music classes. She was in a bad mood on Wednesday, but the music class turned it around. After the class, we went to a nearby playground where she had a snack and enjoyed a small hint of sunshine.

Thursday - Thursday is the day that Ruby is with the nanny. We were able to keep our nanny share 1 day/week for the time being. We are quite dependent on this 1 day/week for several reasons: 1) It gives me an opportunity to run all the errands and go to any appointments I have for the week. 2) It gives Ruby an opportunity to play with her little buddy Ian, whom she is ecstatic to see each week. 3) Perhaps most importantly, it maintains her relationship with the nanny so that we have one person who lives locally to call upon in a pinch or an emergency. With Ruby's stranger anxiety and many particulars, it takes a long time for her to become comfortable with a caretaker, so I did not want her to forget the nanny.

Having one day off from being a full-time parent does seem to do wonders for your quality of life. On the weeks when we were not able to have the nanny, I definitely noticed an increased level of burnout by the time Thursday rolled around. Although some Thursdays I am literally running from one errand to the other, I do try to take some time to relax and do something fun. Some weeks, Steve and I go out for lunch. This past Thursday, I visited my friend Debbie and her new baby boy. This coming Thursday, Steve and I are going to observe our 5 year anniversary (actually on Saturday). We may go see Harry Potter.

Friday - On Friday morning, we went to one of Ruby's favorite hang-outs, the Bay Area Discovery Museum with our friends Brooke and Sydney. The museum is in Sausalito, just over the Golden Gate Bridge but is only about a 15 min. drive from our house. Oftentimes, we will leave our overcast house, drive over a bridge encased in fog, and emerge on the other side greeted by blue skies and sunshine. Last Friday the fog had insinuated its way into the North Bay as well, so it was quite cold and windy, but fortunately there are plenty of indoor exhibits at the museum. In fact, every time we go, we discover something that we hadn't noticed before. Here, Ruby is making a phone call in the Curious George room.

In the afternoon on Friday, we walked to Laurel Village and the shops on Sacramento Street. Ruby's feet recently went through a growth spurt so she got a new pair of shoes, and she played around in all the stores we stopped in.

All in all, despite the unfortunate weather, it was a great week. Most weeks don't have quite as many "planned in advance" activities, so there is more improvisation. This goes against my instincts to plan everything, but most of the time we have a good time doing whatever we end up doing. Even the most mundane tasks can be made memorable by something Ruby says or does.

Definitely one of the most difficult adjustments to becoming a stay-at-home mom is having all of this unscheduled time. I feel as if I am still learning how to allow myself to enjoy it. Up to this point, I've lived life at maximum intensity, choosing the most demanding courseload and the most rigorous schedule, sometimes purely for the sake of maintaining maximum intensity. So many times I wished that I could just take all the weight off my shoulders and be happy and free. But I really had no concept of what it meant to be happy and free until I met Ruby. Now I understand ... this is happy and free.

Fourth of July

Sorry that it's taken till the 13th of July to write about the 4th of July, but better late than never! This year was Ruby's third 4th of July on Earth. On her first 4th of July, we attended the wedding of our friends Ryan and Debbie.



It was our first major outing as a family, and with the amount of gear we packed, it looked like we were moving into their reception hall.

On Ruby's second 4th of July, we went to her little friend Zach's house for a BBQ.





Ruby was very intrigued by her wriggly little friend.

This year, we had a BBQ at our own house with Ruby's good friend Eva and her parents.



Both girls and their respective dollies had a blast goofing off in the backyard.













Later that evening, we took Ruby to her first fireworks experience. The fireworks show at Fisherman's Wharf doesn't begin until 9:30, but with Ruby's nightowl tendencies, she had no trouble staying up late for the event. We were able to avoid the mobs of onlookers at Chrissy Field by going to a more remote look-out point in the Presidio. There was a small grassy hill that offered perfect views of the San Francisco fireworks as well as further-away shows in the East and North Bay. Ruby was very excited to "find-a fireworks!" She particularly liked the "blue ones."

This is the first year Ruby seems to be able to really appreciate holidays and the traditions that go along with them. In this way, I feel like I'm experiencing it all for the first time too.

Dr. Mommy, PhD

Last month, after almost 6 years of graduate school and 22 years of consecutive academic training, I received my PhD in Biomedical Sciences from UCSF. To give some perspective on how long I have spent in graduate school, consider the following: When I started graduate school, the year was 2005. I was 21 years old. I was unmarried and had no children. George W. Bush had recently been re-elected. The American Idol was Carrie Underwood. My favorite jam was "Gold Digger" by Kanye West featuring Jaimie Foxx. It was a friggin' long time ago.

First year BMS retreat in Lake Tahoe (we were all carded).

You may be wondering why anyone in their right mind would decide to put themselves through this (more than 2 decades of classes, exams, assigned reading, manuscript writing, timecourse experiments that sent me into lab in the middle of the night). Believe it or not, it never even felt like a decision to me. It was simply what I had always wanted to do. Ever since we were sent home with tubes of precipitated DNA at my 6th grade Women in Science Career Fair, I told everybody that when I grew up, I was going to be a Scientist. From that moment, my path was planned in my mind: plenty of resume padding in high school, a prestigious university, and a PhD in Biology.

By all accounts, I followed my 6th grade plan to the letter, which as far as I know, is pretty unusual for a plan formulated in the 6th grade. Therefore, one might expect that my graduate school commencement and the completion of my PhD would be one of the most momentus occasions of my life, marking the ultimate achievement of a life-long ambition. However, while it was a sentimental occasion filled with family and friends, it also felt a bit anti-climactic. In the last few years, the dream I had in 6th grade had dimmed, perhaps being outshined by other dreams I didn't know I had.



Of course, the actual graduation was still a wonderful celebration of the completion of a long chapter of my life. At UCSF, we give a thesis seminar that is attended by friends, family, and university colleagues.





I booked the largest auditorium on campus, not because I was expecting a large turnout, but because it had small, soundproof rooms in the back that I thought would be a good area for Ruby to watch from. I think she was a little confused as to why she wasn't allowed to run up to Mommy, and as soon as she was let back into the auditorium, she ran up and asked me to "bao-bao" (pick her up).



Afterwards there was a reception in our lab break room, where my advisor made several (to my relief, not too embarrassing) toasts.









Then we took friends and family out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Straits Cafe.





It was a wonderful day and a relief to be finished, but an even greater relief came from a decision I had made not long before.

For about a year before I graduated, I struggled with the decision of what I should do once I received my degree. My meticulously laid out plans dictated that I should find a post-doc or research scientist position in the biotech industry. However the thought of working a high-pressure, full-time job, struggling to put out publications, filled me with an intense dread. Even though I had technically been a full-time graduate student, I cheated most days, leaving home late and returning early. On the days that I needed to be at work the full day, I could sense a dramatic difference in how much I could really enjoy my time with my family. Even though I was with Ruby for a couple hours between the time I returned home and her bedtime, the time was filled with the essentials: make dinner, feed the baby, eat, bathtime, bedtime routine, put the baby to bed. After a few days of maintaining that kind of schedule, I would start to feel like a hamster on a wheel, perpetually going through the motions but too tired and pressed for time to really appreciate the random cute things that Ruby would do.

On the one hand, I knew that MANY women are full-time working moms and make it work. In fact, every mother in my family and Steve's family worked throughout their lives. I know at least for my mom, working made her happy; she took great pride in what she did and the fact that she was self-sufficient. Before having Ruby, there was never any doubt that I would follow in the footsteps of the other women in my family.

There was also the issue of sunk cost, the cost, both literal and figurative, of my extensive education. In my field, it is not very easy to take a few years off to raise a family and then pick up where you left off. Once you are "inactive" in the scientific community (not publishing, not attending conferences), it is nearly impossible to regain your footing in the same career path. Even if I looked for work immediately, and even as a graduate from a top research university, I am sure I would have had a very difficult time finding a good position, simply due to the level of competition in the field. No one was saying to me that it would be impossible to return to research after taking several years off; they were just saying that they had never heard of anyone doing it before. Therefore, the decision felt more than just whether or not to to take a few years off; it felt like whether or not I should give up my career.

Finally, there was the issue of expections, both outside and my own. For better or for worse, I was a person who followed through with what I said I would do. I had always taken a great deal of pride with this stick-to-it-ness and secretly scorned those with more flaky and indecisive tendencies. There are some things I am very happy I followed through with. For example, the first time I set eyes on San Francisco, 9 years ago, I thought, "Holy sh@#, this is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I will live here one day!"

Three years later, there I was. However, it felt like my desire to keep my promise to myself about having this career was coming at the expense of my happiness and my sanity.

I firmly believe that there is no universal metric for work-life balance. However, achieving work-life balance did not seem to be contingent on literally balancing the number of hours spent at work vs. with your family. It seemed to me that the key to good work-life balance was feeling a great sense of happiness and fulfillment from your work. Happy parents make for happy children, so being truly happy in your career would presumably be beneficial to yourself as well as to your family. Unfortunately, over the years in graduate school, I had lost a lot my passion for my work. And without the feeling of fulfillment from work, it was much more difficult to justify leaving my child each day.

For a year I struggled every day with this decision. I spoke with career counselors, went to job fairs, sought out people in "alternative science" career paths, had long conversations with Steve, and wavered back and forth a countless number of times. I realized that this was the first time I had ever had to make a real LIFE DECISION. Even getting married and having a baby never felt as much like decisions as just obviously the right thing to do. I had never gone through the existential crisis that most young people go through during college when they are changing their major every month or after college when they are backpacking around the world or living in their parents' basement. I always knew exactly what I wanted to do. But there I was, with a toddler and a PhD, not able to decide which foot to lift up next.

If I were lying on the therapist couch of my mind, I would admit that the only thing I felt any passion for at this time of my life is being a mother. In some ways I felt like I was always a stay-at-home mom at heart but trapped in the body of someone who had already served 4 years of her life in graduate school and didn't want it to be for naught. However, there were several mental barriers that kept me from making the decision to not work. The first was the fear or disappointing others, particularly those who had invested time and energy into my training. I felt like I was cheating each one of them and even cheating the institution of UCSF for not utilizing my degree to become the scientist that people expected me to be.

Even after I had made up my mind to stay at home with Ruby, it was very difficult for me to admit it to colleagues and especially to my professors. Anytime someone would broach the subject of my post-graduation plans, I would feel very defensive and bumble out a generic answer about having an open mind and looking at a lot of options. I finally made it over the hump the day I got my thesis signed by my committee chair, Tony DeFranco. I waited in front of his office for almost and hour and just about gave up before I saw him. He was speaking with another immunology professor, Rich Locksley, a man I had had several interactions with over the years but greatly feared. After Tony signed, they both congratulated me and asked what my plans were for after graduation. I looked them squarely in the eye and said, "I'm going to stay at home with my daughter." To my shock, they both smiled, and Rich Locksley said, "That's wonderful."

The other great mental barrier was the fear that I would be bored and deprived of adult social interaction, that I would regret it and have missed my opportunity to take the next step in my career path. After much contemplation, I realized that there is no major decision that does not come with risk, but that fear should not stand in the way of choosing to do what I believe will make me happy. Therefore, as of May 13th, 2011, I became an extremely over-educated Stay-at-Home Mom.

After about a month in my new job I can report that things are going well. I feel like it's an absolute privilege to be with Ruby every day, to enjoy every cute and funny thing she does, and to witness every new milestone she reaches. Of course there are some days that are harder than others. There are times when I feel exhausted or isolated. However, most of the time, it's wonderful and I could not imagine doing anything else. I do not fail to see irony in the fact that going to grad school was the easiest decision I ever made, but I doubted it every day I was there. Becoming a stay-at-home mom was the most difficult decision of my life, but I have not for a second had even an ounce of doubt.